It is a curious thing, this new solitude of mine. More than one person has told me “You will always have the memories of your life together.” Well, I suppose that’s true, but life exists in the present, not the past, and it is in my daily routines that Shirley is most present. After almost five decades, many of my habits are entwined with hers: how I cook, or shop, or simply look at the world. There is a downside: many of the things we did together—eating out, traveling, going to a museum or a concert, watching Jeopardy—have lost their appeal. These things only remind me that she is no longer able to enjoy them. But every time I do the laundry I remember her instructions; take care of this, make sure of that. I am alone, and yet not quite.
Photo:Castellana Hilton, Madrid, April 1976
I was just thinking about you last night. The trip to the cemetery, the one year anniversary of Shirley’s death…you never did say how that went. Right now my mind is aswirl (is that a word?) with ideas. I can’t remember how long you lived in Philadelphia…or is it Pittsburgh? That might make a difference. I have a certain amount of price….I know my friend in my home town does, she who lost her husband 11 months ago. Why, when we went back to take her out to eat late last fall did she suggest a new rather pitiful restaurant downtown instead of the usual places that are much better and that we are familiar with? And why after we had a less than ideal meal (and she’s very picky) did she suggest going there again three weeks ago? I think she doesn’t want to be seen at the familiar places with my husband and me, with other locals seeing her and saying, “Oh, there’s Mary Jane…isn’t that sad?” I know down deep she doesn’t like the new place way far across town….it’s her pride at work. Of course we said nothing and actually we got lucky and my bone spur surgery killed that trip…we went 3 weeks later and went to one of the places that we had in the past, with another couple..making a party of five. Whew.
Anyway, you can do those things you used to with Shirley alone now: eating out, traveling, going to museums or concerts or you can do some research and maybe there are some clubs or groups for singles…shall we say Senior Singles? Sorry! I can say that because I’m 72.
More later….I am not going away. And of course it doesn’t help, you being famous. There must be another famous person you know…a man…who has lost their spouse. What have they done? Just don’t delve into people half your age or worse, that is my non-professional advice! Being a female, I’ll be honest….money makes a difference. Women can smell money or the lack of it and they are looking for security. Jeff Bezos is not exactly handsome but why does he have that overly overdone lady friend now? I think I know why. She sees his wallet, not his face.
I just keep thinking of our arborist who survived a messy divorce, he said the other day he even had to take out a small mortgage to get the divorce….anyway, he was cranky and bitter, irritable. I’ve told you this story before. He is huge in star-gazing, has telescopes, travels to the Florida Keys, Oregon, all over for that. Anyway, why on earth did he try a camping website I guess, for singles? He and Annie (from Louisville) met first time halfway in between…Columbus Indiana. They had a common love of camping. She was divorced I guess with two grown children. Fast forward, now they are engaged, this did take two years at least. He is so happy. He is an intellectual and so is she. Her late father was a professor at the University of Louisville. I am not saying to get remarried, I am just saying….get out and meet some people….somehow.
A lady in the next block lost her husband–some kind of lobbyist to a brain tumor. She is an attorney. First thing she did to cheer up was to go on a trip to Provence….a walking tour but it was an all women tour….all strangers. I wonder if there is such a concept for men. Of course you might get in with the gay crowd by mistake….ha! Oops!
Margaret
Dear Mr Rybcznyski, I am truly sorry for your loss. I read your other post about the houses you shared with your wife and was quite moved. I even think I can say I see her influence in the house you built for the Ferrero’s in St-Marc, Québec, now my home. Please take good care of yourself. Sincerely, Claude